You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea...

This is the diary of Christina ♥

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Once exams are over, I will be back. I truly miss writing in here and maybe that is what is missing. I can't believe my last entry was months ago. I can't believe how SO much has changed since then.

How is everyone??

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I'm highly looking forward to the summer. No classes, working twice a week, and I'll be able to do things I haven't been able to do. See people, read books, play the piano and guitar, and spend time with my family. I had to register for fall classes already. But I'm really happy because me, Kriss, and Nikki are taking a class together. We've been so inseperable this semester and I feel like I have a really good connection with them. I've known Kriss since the days of Hasbro Hospital and we were inseperable back then. We were more like twins and now we were reunited this semester...we had the exact same schedule. Weird how it worked but I think it happened for a reason. She knows more about me than a lot of other people and I think we feed off of each other's strength. With Nikki, it's a weird story too. I actually had two classes with Nikki the previous semester and we never sat near each other or talked. I just recognized that she was in both of my classes. Come to find out that Nikki is Kriss' cousin! So now we have all been inseperable and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I defnitely feel like I have grown a lot in a short period of time. I honestly feel like I'm in that transition stage (I know, it's very cliche). But I don't feel like a child/teenager anymore and I don't feel like an adult. I'm just starting to figure out more about myself and who I am as a person. It's kind of scary but at the same time it's really exciting. Perhaps that's why I feel like I'm flying off the handle with my emotions lately. One minute I'm happy and smiling, the next minute I'm crying and having a terrible day. I think it just has to do with the time period in my life but it can get so frustrating at times.

My friend (who is also named Nikki), who has cystic fibrosis, is doing incredible since her double lung transplant about two weeks ago. Again, we met in Hasbro but we instantly connected. I remember the days when we used to talk about the day when she would eventually get a lung transplant. It's weird to think that day has already come. I really respect and admire this girl. We shared a lot together and she really gave me inspiration and strength to make me into who I am today. So for her to get a new chance at living her life, I couldn't ask for anything more. She is still going to have the disease, but at least she won't be suffering with major breathing problems.

I know that going to the hospital for months really shaped me into who I am today. I just turned 16 and was visiting Nikki during her breathing treatments, talking about sensitive issues like eating disorders, rape, and drugs in group therapy, and attending chemotheraphy and radiation treatments with a boy who had cancer because I couldn't bear the thought of him to be alone. Or anyone to ever feel alone in that program without a friend. I grew up in such a short amount of time for a teenager who barely was 16. I did miss out on 10th and 11th grade and every other aspect that comes along with being a teenager. But I don't think I would have changed it for the world. 

Anyways, I'm probably just rambling.

And I should be studying for my chemistry exam on Friday. But it's been such an exhausting week and I just needed a little break. I'm preparing myself for a grade lower than 90 on my physiology exam because I made stupid dyslexic mistakes. It drives me crazy. It's been affecting me a lot lately and I feel so stupid most of the time. I am really striving for another 4.00 this semester, but I know that is going to be extremely hard. As of midterms, I had an A in Mothering, an A in Physiology, and a B+ in Chemistry only because I got five points taken off for my exam due to the stupidest thing. It's so stupid and I don't even feel like writing about it. But let's just say it had to do with a snowstorm that day and being late two minutes to class. Extremely still upset about that situation.

Well, I guess that's enough procrastinating. 


(no subject)
My friend just went through a double lung transplant. And I couldn't be more happy for her. She is such an inspiration to me. And truly a hero in my heart.

Random things I haven't updated on: I received a 4.00 for last semester. I'm officially 21. I almost quit my job (aka got accepted for another job) but decided to stay. I've made a few new friends at school. I'm seeing Lisa Lampanelli at PPAC next month. Volunteered at the Academic Decathlon competition. Kriss is in all of my classes this semester which was done by accident. I've been sick for the past few weeks and was dehydrated.

Probably a lot more, but I can't think right now. My brain is filled with too much physiology.

(no subject)
So, it's been awhile. And I really don't have a good reason why I haven't written in here in practically forever. Maybe I was trying to figure out more about who I was. Who I am. My purpose. I don't really understand much and my departure from writing hasn't made a difference. But I am back nontheless.

I wait to find a wonderland.
Almost done with classes. I know it sounds pathetic but I am really, really sad that I won't be in those classes anymore with the professors. I guess I have a big problem with change. I get attached easily and I don't want to leave a familiar setting or place. It has happened with every class at New England Tech and every class at RIC. For instance, I wish I cherished the moment having Kerrijean in class with me because I would love more than anything to relive that all over again. Same with the hospital program. The people, the place, the experience. Everything are memories now, which I do cherish, but I wish they could be much more than that.

I am so close to a 4.00 that I want to throw up. I just need to find out what I got on my exams and then I'll know. As long as I didn't screw up majorily, I think I should be all set.

I will be working many hours at work until Christmas Eve. I am also seeing Jim Brickman at PPAC on Saturday night with my daddy. A nice night of classical, Christmas piano music. I still have shopping, cleaning, and baking to do. Not to mention finish wrapping. One thing I have accomplished is sending out my Christmas cards. At least that's a start.

I'm not sure what to do for my birthday yet. All I know is that I have a gold dress that I bought for a Christmas party that I want to wear again. Lol. But I can't believe I'll be 21. I feel so old. Haha.

Well, I probably should get back to studying once again. Two exams done, two more to go. I really hope we won't be blasted with snow again before Christmas, for work sake because it will be chaos for our deliveries. It took me three hours to get home from RIC last week and it usually takes thirty minutes. I have never been in that type of traffic before. It was crazy!

All my life I've been searching for you. My flower in the sun.
It's really heartbreaking when you would drive halfway down the coast of the USA in a blizzard to see her but you can't drive down the street to see me.

It's days like these where I feel so unloved.

I dream of that person who would walk around the world just to see me. Just to have a kiss. Someone who holds me and tells me I'm beautiful, even without makeup on. Someone who looks into my eyes and gets lost in them. Someone who never wants to let go of my hand. That person who would do anything just to see me if there was no other way.

I've never felt that way before and I've always wondered if it even exists.

I'm not asking much. I don't want flowers. I don't want trips to fancy restaurants. I don't want any materialistic item.

I just want unconditional love.

(no subject)
I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE Clay Aiken. His concert was perfect and beautiful. I bought a Clay Aiken scarf (yes, I know I'm such a dork).

LaSalette went very well tonight and tomorrow we are singing at West Bay Manor.

Me and Colleen jammed to old N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys when I was driving us home while Joey slept in the back seat. We got lost in Massachusetts for just a bit looking for a Subway. But it was so much fun.

I think it's time for sleep. Last day of classes tomorrow! AND FIRST SNOWFALL tomorrow! I'm so excited.

Oh, and I would love to have your addresses please. I want to send out Christmas cards this weekend! So if you can, send me your address to :)

All that matters is what's outside. ♥
My week has been quite a challenging one yet again for the beginning of December.

First off I am SO SICK of people stealing things.
In the beginning of the week, someone stole my car antena topper at work.
Not a big deal, but still, I loved that thing and it has been on there for over a year.

I lost my cellphone the other night and haven't had it since.

I was wicked sick on Thursday but had to stay the whole day because I had an exam. And the kid that asked if he could cheat off me sat next to me once again. But luckily this time he didn't ask me to text message him the answers.

Then to top off the week, it wouldn't be complete without another huge stressor.

My grandfather passed away last year on December 10th.
My grandmother was so upset and depressed for such a long time.
Until she started spending time with her amazing friend, Arnie, who was also a friend of my grandfather's.
They did so much together. Bowling, dinners, and being there for one another. Their friendship developed into a deeper relationship and I've never seen my grandma that happy.
I got to meet Arnie not that long ago at church when he came to my grandfather's memorial mass. And he was the sweetest man.

But he passed away on December 6th.

And for some reason, I cried so much, even though I didn't get to know him that well. But he was like part of the family. And my grandmother cared for him so much. And deep down in my heart, it was like I was beginning to have someone in my life I could call a grandpa again.

So once again at this time of year, it's a sad one. I can't even imagine how my grandma is feeling. And to make matters worse, his funeral is on Monday. And Monday is December 10th, the day my grandfather passed away last year. I'm not sure how to take everything in.

I learned that right before he passed away in the hospital, he got to say "I love you" to my grandma. And she told him she loved him too. It's such a sad story and my heart aches because of it.

My grandfather was supposed to see us sing at LaSalette last year.
Arnie was supposed to see us sing at LaSalette this year.
But instead of singing to them in person, we'll be singing to them in Heaven.
Which I know is much more of a beautiful place than anywhere on this Earth.

So anyways...

I must refocus and try to keep my stress level down for the rest of the month. My last week of classes are this week and next week are finals. I'm working insane hours at work. And I haven't finished my Christmas shopping yet. Plus, we are singing a lot too. I like being busy though. It keeps your mind off of things.

One great end to this week. Tonight is Clay Aiken and I am so ready to see him for the third time. Clay Aiken makes me happy despite anything that is going on. He just has that effect.

(no subject)
I think I just had one of my hypoglycemic attacks. I became so incredibly starving only about two hours after dinner (which was a HUGE carb dinner). Started to shake, heart started to race a bit, felt disoriented and I couldn't concentrate because the hunger was so bad. So I ate three pancakes with syrup and a full glass of orange juice. And now I feel incredibly better within ten minutes. It's SO weird.

This weekend was incredible. (Minus the few heart problemos). I was with a bunch of my amazing friends.

I'm already starting to study for my exam on Thursday. If I don't get an anything higher than a 90 I will probably cry. No lie.

Again, I had probably the best talk I've ever had with Colleen today. I sure am going to miss these school days with her.

I read the most amazing quote today in a bathroom stall (yes a bathroom stall).

Love is subjective. Make of it what you will.

I don't want to be in love. ♥
We watched this slideshow in class today from one of the group's presentations on drunk driving that pertains directly to Rhode Island. I started to cry because it was so sad. So did a lot of other people. And to make matters worse, I had to present right afterwards.

I learned that me and Colleen are so much alike. Going through certain situations at the same exact time. We talked for over an hour today and I felt so much better. It's so nice to know you are not alone. I love her immensely.

There are only 4 more classes left before exams and I am quite sad. I really enjoyed my classes this semester and I don't want them to end. Plus I don't want my lunch time to end with Colleen, Mario, & James. We've had so much fun. In fact, Mario started to give me lap dances the other day. It was hysterical. And of course, I have entertained them with my blonde stories.

And I have survived the holiday stress at work over Thanksgiving. I think I put in close to 40 hours that week on top of school. It's going to start picking up again quite soon for Christmas even more so.

Kelly's birthday is Saturday and she is turning 17. WOW. I can't wait to give her my presents. (KELLY, NOTICE THE "S" AT THE END OF THAT). Ha. Also, Krissy's birthday party is that night which I'm really looking forward to. I have a lot of choir practices this week as well because we are singing at LaSalette on December 12 at 7. (Anyone that wants to come you more than welcome to!) AND NEXT SATURDAY....CLAY AIKEN CONCERT. I am so beyond excited.

Okay, I have to get ready. I'm going shopping with Kim at PPlace. I usually don't buy anything there but I love the mall all dressed up for Christmas. It's beautiful.


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